???

Just not sure what to title this entry. To sum it up my feelings are all over the place right now. I've been worrying a little to my self the last couple days. Mostly about the upcoming changes in my life, our lives I should say. There's so much to do, and only a few months , or less to get it all done, I guess I feel a little overwhelmed.

Annaleese needs to get the potty training thing down.

The nursery needs some work before I/we can even start decorating and organizing. All the stuff that's currently in the room needs to be moved, which means I have to get creative in finding new places for it.

I've found my self, worrying and even dreaming about how Annaleese is going to receive and handle the change that is going to take place once "Baby Sister" arrives. I worry how she will feel. Will she be jealous. Will she act out even more than she has been. Will she feel included. Will she like having a baby sister. Or will she be completely easy going about the whole thing, and really not care. I'm probably stressing out about this for no reason, but still I cab't help but wonder.

With the terrible back pain I've been experiencing and how much worse it is in the pregnancy than it was in the first, I find my self wondering if or how much worse it can get, and what does that mean for the labor process? I had back labor with Annaleese, which was NOT FUN and very painful. Could it happen again and be more painful?

Sometimes I wonder if the back pain is going to limit me further from getting the most basic and easy house chores done, or looking after Annaleese. I try to take it as easy as I can as it is, as far as the household chores go, I try even harder not to lift Annaleese, but getting her in and out of the car makes that hard. It makes it harder for me to let her be a little more independant. She likes to walk instead of being put in the stroller or shopping cart, but I just dont't have the strength or energy to chase after her.

What bothers me the most is that I feel like I am constantly complaining about how crappy my body feels and that I have little energy even on a good day. And I'm not even in the third trimester, which is probably the most awkward part of pregnancy. Nothing like a huge stomach to make you so uncomfortable you can't sleep add to that the summer heat, it's a fabulous mix. On the upside I'm halfway there.

Purging

I LOVE getting rid of junk. I don't know what it is. I just love to clean house and end up with a bag full of stuff to donate, recycle or trash. I just really hate clutter. It's no wonder I don't have many things. I've given up collecting things because it just takes up space. I cleaning Annaleese's room and went through her toy box and ended up with a small bag of useless toys to get rid of. Got rid of old phone books- I know who needs those any more?But Scott likes to have one or two around, despite my hatred for them. We live in a digital world with internet on our phones - join the revolution and look it up there. Anyway there was really no point to this. Just that I love getting rid of useless items. I'm gonna have more soon because I'll be prepping the back room for the new little one.

I hate Maternity Clothes!

Okay first off, I barrowed the title; secondly, it's so true.

So I was out shopping, specifically for a swimsuit for my upcoming disney trip. And I've had a hell of a time finding something that either looks decent, and doesn't cost a small fortune. Conclusion: That just doesn't exist. I looked at the maternity outlet, ross, Kohls, and target here in town. Nothing. Ross didn't have maternity suits, neither did Kohls, the maternity store had terribly ugly and expensive ones, and Target's just left an awful taste in my mouth. I came home with one shirt I got at Ross. Feeling defeated I tried it on, and that damn thing doesn't fit!

I think the clothes is the one thing I hate most about being pregnant. It's like we are a forgotten people. What do we get to wear? Ugly tent like shirts, and pants with a stretchy panel that don't stay up? It's times like these I wish I knew how to sew. At least that way I could create something that is stylish and fits. Don't get me wrong, there are some cute stuff out there for maternity wear, but I swear you have to have lots of money to spend. I don't have the kind of money to spend on a new wardrobe that will only fit me for a few months. I also happen to think that's just stupid. Why does affordable have to also mean ugly?

When I got home from shopping the other day I found this article in my news feed. Fitting. http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/i-hate-maternity-clothes/

Vindication

Our Nation is Celebrating Coast to Coast upon hearing the news the Osama Bin Laden has been confirmed dead. Finally, he can no longer hurt our amazing country, and no one else can fall victims because of him. His victims from the September 11, 2001 attacks can now, finally rest in peace.

Today is a great day in history. Thank you to our brave Military, for fighting all these years.

Frazzeled.

This week, more specifically the last couple of days have left me feeling like I've failed. This whole month has been hard on me. With Scott's new position on the Core Team he is traveling, and this month he has been gone every week for at least 4 days. Usually I don't think that would bother me or even be hard, but it has been every week this month, add to that a two year old, an almost 4 year old, and one hormonal pregnant lady and it's exhausting. I've been extra tired, and not able to sleep , so then I get cranky. Then I'm tired and cranky. And the next day I'm more tired and even more cranky.

This week has been the toughest. Annaleese had a bit of an attitude all week, she's really been testing me, and as tired as I was I had to be consistant and disipline her for not listening or doing things she knows she's not supposed to do.

The past couple of weeks the girls fighting has been getting more frequent and more physical, and unfortunately on Wednesday the final straw was pulled. I could hardly believe the fighting between the girls had reached this level, and after talking to my husband about the incident we decided it was time to take a break from babysitting.

Yesterday , after having time to absorb what had happened, and after Annaleese had tried to wash her hands and nearly flooded the bathroom. I broke down. Feeling like I had failed and lost the ability to have control of things. I feel like I should have been able to get the fighting under control, but nothing I did solved the problem. Why couldn't I get it under control? I felt like Annaleese doesn't listen to me, I've told her and explained to her countless times that she's not to use the restroom with out asking me, and yet there she was with the sink turned on and the water flowing over the sink and on to the floor.

And today I basically yelled at my parents for telling me Annaleese should be potty trained. I shouldn't have gotten on them like I did. But something needed to be said. I feel like the last couple times I've seen my mom that's all she's told me. And frankly I'm tired of hearing it. I KNOW! I heard the message the last 5 times she's said it. I know she should be potty trained or at least on her way, and If I knew a way to get it done that worked for both her and I it would be done. And now that I'm going to be home and able to concentrate more on it, it might be achieved. I just don't want to walk into their home and feel like I'm incompetent because I can't seem to get my daughter to potty train, listen to me, or eat a whole meal at the dinner table. I feel like they think I'm being lazy , and if they were actually able to see what I'm doing they would feel differently. I nearly cried right in front of them. There are so many more things I could say on this whole topic but I wont because it might not come out right, and it's mostly my venting about it all.

Then to add to the week, Annaleese woke up with a fever today. Apparently the fates feel as though I need to deal with a little more stressful events.

So here's to a better week, and feeling less defeated in the morning.

Party Prep

Yesterday well into last night was spent prepping for today's Easter Party. Started at the store shopping for last minute items, of course, and some things I wanted to wait to get. I then spent an hour stuffing eggs for the hunt. Then started in on the cleaning. I cleaned the kitchen top to bottom, including the microwave, the front of the oven , all of the counters and mopped the floors. I cleaned the bathroom very well. Folded laundry, and finally went to bed. As I was doing all of this , I asked my self why I was going through all the trouble. The answer : It's how I grew up. It's what I witnessed my mom do days before parties, and the week before relatives visit. It's laughable, to me because who's going to look that closely at my microwave? Is anyone going to inspect the toilet? And the answer is most likely no, but then there are people like me, who do notice that. So even after having this conversation in my head, I continued the cleaning and prepping this morning, dusting, cleaning windows, vacuuming floors, sweeping the kitchen again, cleaning the rabbit's cage , cleaning up the patio area- which hubs took over thank goodness. I did all of this knowing , that all of the hours of work I put in would be undone in less that an hour of the party guests arriving. I guess it's mostly for self satisfaction. I knew how clean it was and the effort put forth.

The party was nice, the food was great! Nana brought all kinds of goodies, and dad's smoke turkey made great tasting sandwiches. This kids colored eggs, and hunted for the yummy candy and toy filled ones outside. And after another half hour of cleaning my kitchen was returned to the basic clean I like. lol.

In an Instant

It's no secret that life can change in just a instant, you don't always know when or why. It's just a fact of life.

Last Sunday a friend of mine was in a pretty bad car accident. I saw the photo she posted on facebook, and first thought " wow, that's pretty damaged, and everyone survived?" I didn't know until recently that the car spun out and rolled three times, and that she was inside the car when all of this happened. She and her boyfriends cousin were the most injured. No major injuries, but scary all the same.

As she was describing the accident to me, I was looking at the photo, and couldn't help but tear up. It's one thing to look at photos like that, and another to know a person you care about was part of that. I am glad that she and her friends came out survivors. And have a little better appreciation for life, it can change in an instant. It shouldn't take accidents or other events to make a person realize this, but usually that is the only way we see it.

I tried to post the photo on here, but I wasn't able to. If you are a friend of this friend on facebook you can go to her page and check it out. Makes you think.

Goodbye 2010 Hello New Decade

So I've been sitting here for a long time now thinking of what to write. And I can't come up with anything that Isn't to vauge or boring. The truth is that 2010 was hard on my personally, and I learned a lot from those experiences.


Over the last couple of years I've resolved to not make new years resolutions. This year I feel it is important to make just one, and try so very hard to uphold it.

I resolve to make my self more of a priority.

meaning:
Get Healthier - losing weight would be great but not a must.
Indulge a little - I have the hardest time spending money on my self. If I like that shirt at the store I should actually leave with it.
Time away - I need to get out of the house more often on my own to do my own thing, whether its a short trip to the grocery store, window shopping or dinner with a friend.
Date Nights - Spending a little more one on one with my husband would be amazing.
A Monthly treat - Facial, manicure, massage, anything that benefit ME

These are just a few ideas I have. I may add or subtract from this list. The point is that I need to focus on me a little more than I do.

So here's to a great year for everyone.